Against the grain

There is a Buddhist teacher named Pema Chodron who has famously declared that,  “to be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest”. I remember when I read this for the time, a droll smirk formed on my face. Accompanying this smirk, my internal dialogue muttered the word, ‘Great..’. There has always been some subtle, and at times not so subtle, striving for things to be peaceful, joyous and maybe even fulfilling. Yet every time that I think I have arrived, true to Pema Chodron’s words, I get thrown out of the nest.

This past week, I spent time on retreat. There were plenty of golden moments of deep practice and connection. I would even argue that there were moments of peace, joy and feeling content. However, there were also many happenings of being pushed out of the nest. Thankfully, the retreat was a space that was safe and provided a cushion to catch me.

I had been sitting with a disappointment in my heart. I hadn’t recognised it at first, but once I felt it, I saw that it had been there for a while. It was hard to catch as it had been masked as anger and resentment. Anger felt justified and true. I didn’t want to feel disappointed- it feels too much like an internal wound that needs attending to. To me, in that moment, disappointment felt like a weakness. Whereas, anger is strong  and I was projecting this anger and resentment externally. Through this projection, it felt a little less personal, like someone else’s problem. Yet, in the quietness of the retreat, I could feel a tenderness in my heart.

As the base of the retreat, we were using the Lojong teachings, or Tibetan slogans that serve as a collection of remedies for negative thought patterns that can lead to pain. Pema Chodron explains that it is these thought patterns that are the shove that has us falling from the nest. Therefore, it makes sense that it was  her book, “Start Where You are”, that we referred to. Moreover, it was the practice of Tonglen that she endorses as an antidote that helped soothe me.

Tonglen means ‘sending and taking’, or the practice of taking in what may be difficult to face in ourselves, in others and in the world. We then breathe this difficulty into our heart centre where it is transformed into compassion that then gets exhaled out into the world as healing energy. It is the embodiment of compassion, which is often defined as a willingness to turn towards the suffering within ourselves and others, with a deep commitment to relieve it.

Turning towards suffering can feel counterintuitive. It can feel like going against the grain. I felt this resistance when our skilful retreat leaders asked us to not only breathe in the grittiness and discomfort of disappointment and resentment, but to extend compassion and kindness out to the object of our disappointment and resentment, with a wish that they be free from disappointment and resentment themselves. For me, this felt like a big ask. My ‘object’ or person whose actions had triggered these feelings within me gave me no indication that they felt regret or remorse. There was no recognition that the way they had behaved was offensive. Upon reflection, I considered that perhaps I was missing something. Maybe they were behaving out of the same pain that I was feeling. Maybe I should try my best to remain open, turn towards my pain, breathe it in as a means of converting it to a wish that they be free of whatever was ailing their heart.

As we embarked on the practice, I was surprised to find that I didn’t feel the usual tightness and constriction that comes with imagining this person. Instead, there was an opening of my heart, and almost like a warm balm placed on the wound of disappointment. In taking and sending, I was able to experience a release. It was like dousing the red hotness of the emotional charge of anger with cool water.  In short, I was crawling back into the nest. Even if it is temporary.

This Tuesday at 10 am, I will be leading a meditation that focuses on Tonglen for the Sanctuary’s online community meditation. If this resonates with you, why not join us?

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am

*The retreat that I was on was an annual retreat for graduates of the Mindfulness Association’s Wisdom training. If you have completed their three levels of Mindfulness, Compassion and Insight training, (with them or any of their franchises), or if you are a graduate of the MSc: Studies in Mindfulness with the University of Aberdeen, this course is for you! I can’t recommend it more highly.