Have you ever heard a soundbite spouting an obvious truth that is executed with such freshness that it stops you in your tracks and spurs on a moment of deep insight? It’s almost as if this soundbite is a message from beyond, smacking you across the face and telling you to wake up. I think Oprah Winfrey calls these A-Ha moments. Well, this is what it felt like when I heard Sarah Jakes Roberts, a Texan pastor, plainly state: “you cannot heal and punish yourself at the same time.”
As soon as I heard those words uttered, I quickly started doing a mental audit to see if and where I was punishing myself. Because you know what? I want to heal!
As part of my audit, I recalled a time when I was in the midst of a particularly ruthless episode of trauma induced anxiety. Having survived a significant burn injury, and subsequently been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), these episodes had become familiar. At the time, as I was trying to ‘heal’, I had put myself on an elimination diet, introduced a rigorous exercise regime and read every self help book that I could find. This was in the days before podcasts 😉
Nothing was working; instead I was feeling worse. I then took to reciting a personal mantra on my daily walk, ‘this too shall pass, you stupid ass’. To which, I was later told that maybe the second part of my mantra wasn’t helping. I was also told, by a very nice homeopathist, that introducing an elimination diet and rigorous exercise during an episode of PTSD was not wise either. Their words were that I needed comfort not penance.
Ultimately, it was this episode which led me to mindfulness and self-compassion. As a means of symptom relief, a dear friend and I went on a weekend away where we were lucky enough to have the opportunity to sample meditation and mindfulness. It was the breathing space that I needed to make the choice to hold myself gently. Giving myself comfort and not penance is a compassionate response to my suffering. It was also fulfilling a need for self-kindness. In fulfilling this need, I started feeling energised, rather than depleted. It propelled me into a period of deep growth.
So if I know this lesson, why were Sarah Jakes Roberts’ words ringing in my ears? The reason for this internal reverberation is that I know so well that cultivating a compassionate response takes practice, and if we’re not practicing self-compassion regularly, our mind has a tendency to move into a default mode. My default mode is to self-attack. For me, self- punishment usually comes with questions of how could I be a better person or looking for fault in my actions.
For instance, when my dog died of an abnormally formed kidney, I told myself that I should have seen the signs earlier and cut out doggie treats, such as salty table scraps. Instead of rejoicing in the love and daily walks that we shared, I was subtly telling myself that I played a part in her demise. However, it’s not always in such big moments that I punish myself.
Guilt and self-attack can come in much smaller frames. The simple act of staying in when I am tired, rather than accepting an invite for an evening out can lead to a fixation of guilt. I go over all the ways that I am disappointing people, damaging my wellbeing through isolation, and so forth. When, in all actuality, my adult friends know how to have an enjoyable evening without me and the guilt is keeping me from the rest that I need.
That being said, not all feelings of guilt are damaging. Remorse has an important function. It can help us change destructive behaviour. If I felt no remorse for making unhelpful or barbed comments that result in hurting another person, I may continue to drop these harsh criticisms without giving compassion a thought. Instead, remorse can lead to reparation and forgiveness. This is where the healing comes in.
So, when I heard the reminder that we cannot heal and punish ourselves at the same time, it inspired me to touch in with my strong intention to heal. Noticing the attitude that I bring to my moment to moment experience can help me identify healthy remorse from unskilful self-punishment. It can also help me to choose compassion. This is at the heart of what it means to be mindful, or having an awareness of what is happening in the present moment without judgment. Fundamentally, if I can notice the attitude that is subtly influencing my days, I am more able to continue on the road to living a compassionate life, one in which healing can take place.
This week’s online meditation session with the Sanctuary will focus on noticing the attitude or the subtle storylines that we bring to our day to day living. In this way, we might be able to create a breathing space that gives us the opportunity to choose healing. There will be a chance to cultivate some self- compassion, too. If this speaks to you, why not join us on Tuesday morning at 10am.
-Jane
Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am
To listen to and download a mindfulness meditation where we explore the underlying attitude that we are bringing to our moments, click below.
My Silent Place 
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