I can remember being a smug teenager who constantly reminded my mother that if she was going to place expectations on me, she was only setting herself up for disappointment. I have no idea where I got the confidence to make such an assertion and at such a young age; however, it was not far off the mark. Dr. William F. Doverspike explains that having expectations is akin to having “premeditated resentments”. Wow- that’s a strong declaration! It’s also something that I am sure many of us can relate to. Or, at the very least, I am certain that I am not alone (nor my mother) in having been thwarted by how we want things to be versus how they actually are.
Why am I writing about expectations? Well, this weekend I was reading the most beautiful book, “Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change our Minds And Shape our Future”, written by Merlin Sheldrake. In the book, he recounts his experience of being startled with surprise by witnessing the intelligence of fungi (an organism without a brain, no less). Sheldrake explains that through studying fungi his expectations and preconceptions were “loosened” and he started to see the world with new eyes. Eyes which made the sky a bit bluer, the stars a bit brighter.
He goes further in stating that, “tricked out of our expectations, we fall back on our senses” and “what’s astonishing is the gulf between what we expect to find, and what we find when we actually look” (Sheldrake, 2020,p.16). If this is true, this has huge implications on how we are in the world. Are our expectations getting in the way?
For instance, what was my mother missing about who I actually was as a teenager and not who she expected me to be? Who are my children without my expectations placed on them? What am I missing and maybe even robbing them of? What are my blind spots?
This can be applied to situations, as well. How we expect something to go and how it happens in reality can take a different shape than as we imagined. If we’re lucky and we remain open, it can go better than expected. Unfortunately and more often than not, it falls short. This is not always because the unfolding situation is bad or wrong, rather that it unfolds in a way that is not how we anticipated it to go. This is where disappointment, frustration and that good ol’ chestnut called resentment can come in.
So if we can drop the expectations and preconceptions we might be able to see the world with new eyes- or as mindfulness teachers like to say, we might be able to move through the world with a ‘beginner’s mind’.
A beginner’s mind is helpful, for when we adopt an expert mind, life can feel fixed with only space for one way. Any other way can bring about disappointment, along with a visceral sense of failure. (Whether this is true or not!) Therefore, a beginner’s mind is not one to be shunned. Instead, it’s something to cultivate.
The Zen Master Suzuki says that a beginner’s mind is open, new, and infinitely creative. A beginner’s mind very much relies on what is happening in the here and now, not some imagining that can lead to disappointment. Instead and in the case of Merlin Sheldrake, it might just lead to surprise and wonderment.
So for this week, let’s see if we can drop expectation! I will be leading a meditation on cultivating a ‘beginner’s mind’ at the Sanctuary’s Tuesday morning meditation. Why not join me and see if we can be startled into surprise?
-Jane
Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am
Click below to listen to a guided meditation on cultivating a Beginner’s Mind
My Silent Place 
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