It’s been birthday week in my household. Three birthdays mean plenty of cake and a few moments of what the Irish call ‘banter’—or some good old fashioned teasing in a friendly sort of way. For example, as we all sat and watched my daughter blow out her candles, my son claimed to know what she was wishing for. He qualified this with the statement that he is ‘always right’. To which his sister rebuked, ‘No, I am the one who is always right’.
A playful argument ensued until I reminded them that nobody is ‘always right’ and thank goodness for that! What pressure being always right would be- and a bit boring, to be honest.
This sibling rivalry is more than familiar. I am sure that most of us have some competitive edges that were shaped by our childhood relationships. Whether we like it or not, there are times that even the most humble of us can feel that we are the ones who are right, or we are the ones who are best, or we are the ones who have any variation of mental, emotional, physical or moral superiority. And while this state of indignation may appear strong, it is more often than not a defence mechanism (DM) protecting a vulnerable and less than sure version of ourselves.
Clinical psychologist, Seth Meyers, explains that while there are a multitude of reasons for the ‘always right’ DM to develop, most of the time, we are overcompensating for feelings of shame, inadequacy, and fear. To me, the driven need to be ‘always right’ or to be the best at things feels exhausting. Sure, I want to be good at what it is that I do. A sense of mastery can bring feelings of confidence, wellbeing and accomplishment. However, being ‘always right’ feels like perfectionism to me and perfectionism is a heavy shield to carry.
Many years ago, I read a book by Dr. Kristin Neff who is an associate professor in human development at the University of Texas. In her book, “Self-Compassion: stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind”, she reports that all humans have a tendency to self-enhance. For instance, she states that 94% of college faculty members see themselves as better teachers than their colleagues and 90% of drivers think they are better drivers than those who they share the road with. These are some incredible numbers. She explains that there is good reason for this, as we live in a society in which it is simply unacceptable to be average. However, we can’t be the best at everything that we do. It’s impossible! So if this is true, what might it look like if we can finally let ourselves off the hook? Can we relax just a little bit?
What is more, Neff explains that not only do we self-elevate, but this sense of superiority leads to what psychologists call “downward social comparison”. This means that in our minds we have a tendency to kick people to the curb so that we can feel better about ourselves. This can lead to disconnection and isolation, which counteracts and has an opposite effect of self-elevation. It’s a vicious cycle, indeed.
Her solution is to meet the messy NOT ‘always right’ part of ourselves with a quality of acceptance, kindness and self-compassion. In this way, we have the potential to remain connected, less combative and more at ease with ourselves.
So while my adult kids playfully teased one another about being ‘always right’, I felt compelled to remind them that there is no such thing. They don’t need to be ‘always right’- it’s a trick of the mind and misguided! More importantly, it isn’t good for our mental health.
Oh don’t get me wrong, my own feeling of ‘always right’ still rears its head every so often. I am human, after all. However, I am getting better at reminding myself of how liberating it is to be less than perfect and to be wrong. Life feels much easier this way.
This week, I will be leading a meditation that focuses on embracing our full, messy, not- so perfect selves. We might even experiment with what it might be like to meet that self with some self-compassion and kindness. Why not join us at the Sanctuary’s Tuesday morning online meditation session? I’d love to see you there.
-Jane
Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am
My Silent Place 
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