The middle way

I wish I could say it’s a generational thing, but my son expressing anxiety and stress due to his lack of knowing what the next few years look like is unsettlingly familiar. He’s been feeling discouraged and disillusioned with the university experience and is looking to apply to an exchange programme as a means of mitigating his disappointment. He soon discovered that he wouldn’t know where he would be living in 6 months’ time as he is at the mercy of long applications, interviews, and indeed, making sure his grades don’t slip. Or better yet, maybe he should join a new degree- one that is less tedious. With all these questions, I could see the uncertainty wearing him down. And he confirmed this with threats of just dropping everything and doing nothing.

Oh, how I know this place well. When faced with the unknown and living with confusion, I often get so tired that I want to throw everything out the window and lie down for a wee while. This is a slippery slope that I have struggled with time and time again.

Last summer, I was in the same boat as my son. Only the questions were different. Should I stay in Canada (where I was resting after losing my husband) or should I return to Ireland? Should I apply for this job, or that one? Should I return to my studies or should I defer for a year? It was all too much uncertainty and fear at choosing the wrong path. Like my son, I wanted the answers NOW and I wanted to be in the place that I would be happiest NOW, and as soon as possible. Instant gratification eat your heart out!

It was only during an online meditation session, where I was reminded of a Buddhist parable, that a bit of clarity softened the ‘not knowing’. The parable that fell upon my ears and heart was the ‘Crossing the Flood Sutta’. In the story, the Buddha was faced with crossing a flood and somehow he managed to get to the other side. A devata, or shining one, approached the Buddha and asked him how he managed this feat.

The Buddha replied,

“By not halting, friend, and by not straining I crossed the flood.”

To which the devata asked,

“But how is it, dear sir, that by not halting and by not straining you crossed the flood?”

The Buddha explained,

“When I came to a standstill, friend, then I sank; but when I struggled, then I got swept away. It is in this way, friend, that by not halting and by not straining I crossed the flood.”

This parable highlights what the Buddhists call ‘the middle way’, or having a balanced approach. In this case, it’s finding a balance between forceful action and inaction and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It reminded me that I did not need to force an answer or make some massive lifechanging decision. Rather, I can take things slowly. I wasn’t stopping, instead I would take one step at a time in putting my life back together. The first thing I did was get up from my meditation cushion and made myself something to eat- a step in the right direction.

So when my son expressed his impulsive desire to make quick decisions so that he could escape the uncertainty, I told him this parable and asked him what would moving slowly look like? What would it be like to notice that urge to strain and force a path vs watching the path unfold? What one step would you take? He soon came up with a way forward that was not standing still or quitting. He found his middle way.

I am not sure that there is anything more difficult than living with uncertainty. We can do this for a short while but when uncertainty becomes a chronic condition, it can be exhausting. However, we can cultivate tools in which to slow down and find our middle way. This week’s meditation with the Sanctuary will focus on finding our middle way through a mindfulness meditation. If you would like to join us for the session, follow the Zoom link below on Tuesday mornings (Irish time or GMT) at 10am.

To read the full Crossing the Flood sutta, click here.

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am

Click below to try a short meditation: Just one breath

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