This is to mother you

This past weekend, my daughter was complaining about a sore back. In her complaint, she asked me to make a doctor’s appointment for her. To which I reminded her that she was nearly twenty two and perhaps it was time that she makes her own doctor’s appointment. She laughed and replied that she was tired of everyone reminding her that she has to do these things for herself now. I gave my daughter a hug, commiserated at the fact that being an adult is hard, made her a hot water bottle for her physical pain and let her use my phone to make the call. This exchange got me thinking of all the times that I still want my mother to make my life easier, even though I am fifty and my mother lives nearly 6000 km away.

Some of us have to learn this lesson earlier than others- facing what the poet and philosopher David Whyte calls our ‘adult aloneness’. Many of us prematurely lose mothers (and indeed fathers!) to death, or have mothers who do not have the capacity for ‘mothering’ for an array of reasons- physical illness, mental illness, age, addiction, lack of conditioning or role models, etc… Whatever the case, sooner or later we have to come to terms with the fact that we may just need to mother ourselves.

Possibly one of the most transformative lessons  that I have learned on my mindfulness journey is Tara Brach’s teachings on mothering through acceptance. In her book, titled “Radical Acceptance: Awakening the love that heals fear and shame within us”, Tara offers a beautiful definition of what she means by this. She explains that there are two “unfolding wings of the great bird of acceptance”. The first wing is clear seeing. We need to have a level of mindfulness or to know what is happening in our moment to moment experience. We need to know if we are struggling, feeling resistance, sadness, shame, or weariness.  The second wing of acceptance is compassion, or what Tara describes as “embracing our pain with the kindness of a mother holding her child” (p.28). It’s not looking away or denial, rather it’s caretaking.

Looking at the example of my daughter, she knew that there is was something wrong and needed to take care of it. Together we met that pain with skillful means. I did not simply do the task for her, but reminded her of her capabilities and met her with loving arms. What if we could do this for ourselves every time we felt the need to be mothered? What if we could recognise our struggles when they arise and meet them with loving arms? What would this look like?

To me, this looks pretty empowering.

Tomorrow, Tuesday morning at 10am (Irish time), we will be doing a session on mothering ourselves through radical acceptance. Why not join us?

-Jane

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

To read David Whyte’s full poem on the House of Belonging, click here.

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday morning at 10am

Click below to listen to and download a RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nourish) meditation inspire by Tara Brach