Making space

For as long as I can remember, I have always been chasing space. Space to read, space to paint, space to watch a sunset, space to meditate, space to write, space to sew, space to sit in a sunbeam streaming through the window. You get the drift.

It’s not that I have never had the time for these things. I have and I do. It’s that more often than not I have a strange habit of choosing something different when time does become available. Maybe it boils down to the fact that I often put the needs of others (whether these needs are real or imagined) before my own. I am not sure if it was the routines that were developed as a mother of three children, or a need to please and be liked, making sure that everybody is OK before all other activity takes place has become like an Olympic sport for me. And like all good athletes, I have spent countless hours perfecting my approach. This means that when space does open up, I can feel a bit lost. I get edgy, unsure of myself and I have a tendency to procrastinate any ‘space-like’ interests.

Only this summer, something has changed. Space and my need for it has become a priority. It’s not that I have stopped thinking of others, rather, I have been doing things on my own terms. For instance, when making plans for the day, I have been building in space. This has felt radical! I have been keeping my mornings free so that I can have my coffee on a rock listening to birdsong, and pencilling in an hour before dinner prep for reading in my hammock. It’s not that all jobs or socialising gets moved off the list. They simply share the page with space. This is much different to my usual snatched crumbs of me-time when the day is done and I am tired and spent.

As a result of making space, I have been looking after others with less resentment and more love. What’s more, I am more settled and curious about what life is offering. Books are being slowly savoured, whole afternoons have been spent on capturing the different shades of the forest with my watercolours and my meditation practice is flourishing. This has been happening all the while the deck is being stained, this blog is being written and emails are being sent. Saying yes to myself has not meant loss or disconnection from others. Rather, it has meant a more true connection.

Now all of this may seem obvious to you. It certainly does to me. However, living life on your own terms can be quite hard. What’s more, making space for the things that inspire you can be even harder, as it can mean saying no to people and yes to you. Yet, research shows that when we do not spend time on our own doing the things that bring us joy, we can suffer with agitation, stress, and exhaustion. Equally, if we do make space, the benefits are huge: self-awareness, independence, an increased capacity to self-regulate, an increase in creativity and an ability to rest.

Dr. Gabor Mate, a Canadian physician who is famous for his work on addiction and trauma  goes even further when he explains that an inability to say no and placing others’ needs before our own creates a disconnection from our authenticity. He describes a life-changing exercise in which we are invited to ask ourselves four questions at least once  a week:

1. Where this week did I not say no?
2. What was the impact of my not saying no?
3. What belief did I have that kept me from saying no?
4. Where am I saying yes?

He explains that if we can move towards prioritising our needs over pleasing others, we are choosing authenticity over attachment. Freedom comes from our ability to say no when needed and to say yes when needed. We all have our own terms when it comes to these two words, and it’s integral for our ability to thrive that we abide by them.

This week, I thought it might be nice to sit together on our own terms so that we can make some space. Perhaps we can all move towards living a life of thriving. This will be our last Sanctuary Tuesday morning online community meditation of the summer. The Sanctuary is taking a break for August and we will resume on September 2^nd.  Why not join us?

-Jane

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday