The practice of not knowing

The older I get the less comfortable I am with assumptions and presumptions. I mean, they are not inherently bad, but they can get things wrong and they often lead me astray. In fact, just a few months ago I had assumed that my mother would feel confident in a room full of new people. However, as we approached a gathering that we were invited to (in which she knew no one), she became very quiet and reserved. I was learning something new about my mother, who I have known my whole life. My assumption was wrong. I was learning something that I didn’t know.

As a mindfulness practitioner, the concept of not knowing feels comfortable. I would almost go so far as to say, it feels like skilful means. Gil Fronsdal, an American Buddhist teacher, explains that not knowing asks us to drop our presumptions, preconceptions and biases to inquire deeper into any given moment, experience, or belief that we may have. He explains that the practice of not knowing does not mean to ignore that which we do know, rather it asks us to hold what we do know lightly and to be prepared for things to be different.

For instance, we might feel we know something to be certain, such as John Doe is rude and often times quite curt in his communication. When in all actuality, if we can remain curious and fully meet John Doe with an open mind, we might find that John Doe has been a caretaker to his elderly parent while managing a full time job and going through the breakdown of his marriage. John Doe is tired and overwhelmed. The practice of not knowing  invites us to be not limited by what we know. Instead, it can lead to a more fuller understanding. What feels obvious at first, is usually a bit more textured and nuanced if we look closer.

This practice of not knowing is also an approach used in Family Systems theory. Harlane Anderson and Harold Goolishian propose  that taking a not knowing position can nurture a quality of abundant, genuine curiosity. This is integral in relationship building, not only in the therapy room but also in the world at large. If we can extend this honest and deepened interest to those around us and to ourselves, we can move toward authenticity, connection and a fuller awareness, which ultimately helps us sustain wellbeing and our ability to thrive.

In short, not knowing and the curiosity that follows helps us to become more intimate with what is happening within us and all around us. It can help to lower the blinkers from our eyes and broaden our perspective for a fuller engagement with life and those who we are in relationship with.

This week, I thought we would explore the practice of not knowing through the lens of mindfulness at the Sanctuary’s Tuesday morning online meditation. If you’re feeling curious and you’re around at 10am (Irish time), why not join us? I would love to see you there.

-Jane

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online community meditation this Tuesday at 10am.