I want to talk about tolerating discomfort. And how oftentimes we perpetuate unhealthy loops, unhealthy patterns, unhealthy behaviours, all because we can’t, or should I say won’t, tolerate discomfort. And I think this is what our struggles boil down to. All of our knee jerk reactions are in place so that we move away from discomfort. Whether that’s so we don’t feel alone, abandoned, or maybe it’s that we can’t handle our own thoughts. We can’t handle the stress of our workloads, we can’t handle conflict or people who are behaving badly. Whatever our personal reason, many of us (I might even argue all of us, from time to time) have an aversion to tolerating discomfort.
So we do things. We compromise ourselves. Whether that is in the form of addiction, drinking, watching television, shopping, this is because we can’t or, should I say won’t, tolerate discomfort. Or perhaps we avoid conflict and allow people to treat us in a way that is undignified, is disrespectful, all because we can’t tolerate discomfort. We take on work that pushes us to the edge and there is too much on our desk, because we can’t tolerate the discomfort of saying no.
You get the picture. Ultimately, what I am trying to say is that it’s about tolerating discomfort, and being with uncomfortable moments, with the knowledge that, if we tolerate this, if we hold ourselves gently and with compassion, if we are our own best friend, if we look after and mind and protect that version of ourselves that needs it, with generosity, kindness and patience, we will move through any situation that’s uncomfortable. Or as I said recently said to a friend- we get to the other side. And there is always another side. Even if we can’t see it, there is always another side.
Within a mindfulness context, and when we train in mindfulness, we often use the phrase “working the edge”. When we work the edge of discomfort, it helps us to learn how to stay when the going gets tough. This staying doesn’t mean becoming overwhelmed. Rather, it means staying within our window of tolerance while we get used to the idea of experimenting with what it might be like to face whatever it is that is challenging our balance, or to not move away. We get used to the idea and start to see that actually we can usually handle more than we’re giving ourselves credit for.
So, we practice working the edge with maybe a body sensation, maybe a minor irritation in the mind, as a way of practising for when the going does get tough. I often use this phrase “working the edge” when I’m guiding or when I’m teaching, and while I absolutely believe in the rationale, I don’t think I actually fully realised how significant and how powerful the practice is until recently. If we are able to practice working the edge of discomfort, we are preparing ourselves to start choosing more wise and skilful means of navigating our way through the ups and downs of life. We are practicing, at the very least, to not make things worse in a safe and controlled way.
Interestingly, working the edge of discomfort is scientifically and psychologically called working within the zone of proximal development. This means deliberately putting yourself in situations that challenge your current capabilities without overwhelming your system. From a neurobiological and psychological standpoint, this edge is where peak learning, neuroplasticity and growth occur.
With this in mind, I thought it would be helpful to intentionally practice being with discomfort so that we might move towards living a life in which we are continuing to grow while reducing the suffering that can accompany the unavoidable pain that is part of the human condition.
If you would like to join me and give it a try, you can find a link to the Sanctuary’s Tuesday morning online meditation sit below. We will be meeting at 10am. Alternatively, you can access an audio recording of the meditation below.
-Jane
Click HERE to access the Zoom room
If you would like to read more about working with discomfort, click here.
Click below to play a meditation that explore working the edge of discomfort:
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