Turning the ship

My husband Graeme was a clever man. Both as an intellect and as a contemplative. While we both taught mindfulness, he used to claim that I was the ‘better’  mindfulness practitioner. In all reality, he was like an anchor for me. He had an uncanny way of putting things into perspective, whenever I became lost.

One of the analogies that he liked to use when he taught and spoke about mindfulness, insight and change was what I like to call the ship analogy. He wasn’t the first person to use this metaphor, by any means. Yet when I first heard it as part of one of his sessions, it was new to me. It has since facilitated a kind of patience with myself that has kept me from giving up in the face of change. More importantly, it has helped to keep me on course.

The analogy is useful because it is simple. It goes as such: creating new ways of being in the world or recognising what some might call our ‘not so beneficial’ habitual patterns and choosing a different path of direction is like turning a big ship. Turning a big ship takes time and patience. Perhaps you can imagine that the sheer weight and enormity of an ocean liner requires a respectable amount of discernment and forethought for successful manoeuvring. The same can be said when we approach our (personal) lifelong patterns that have been shaped by the way we have been reared, our relationships and position in our families, the messages received in our early childhood education, as well as the societal norms in which we live. These patterns can be ingrained and unrelenting.

In short, making meaningful change does not happen overnight, nor without some level of commitment and I would argue self-kindness. This became especially clear to me recently when I was out with a few of my friends who felt that I wasn’t changing my ways quick enough. I had been having a tough time considering what it is that I need before offering myself to others. I had been getting myself caught up in a few social pulls that were leaving me stretched. While I didn’t say no to all of them, I said no to some. According to those near and dear to me, this wasn’t enough. But to me, this felt like huge progress. I am someone who might be classified as a people-pleaser. I probably could have said no to a bit more but I was able to reflect on the fact that even the most subtle adjustments made to turn that huge ship of conditioning takes time and patience. To continue making changes, I need self-kindness and an ability to see how far I have come, rather than beating myself up around how far I have still to travel. The latter being far easier!

My people pleasing days may still be alive and well but slowly more and more moments of whole heartedly attending to my own needs have started to trickle in. Putting myself first has felt like a foreign concept in the past. Now, it feels a little less strange. And isn’t that wonderful? No matter how slow the turning happens, it’s happening. Once I pointed this out to my friends, we were all able to have a conversation about the beauty of even the smallest shift. All quiet adjustments call for celebration, too.

So, how do we begin these shifts and turns? Well, we need to know the direction in which we would like to go. For me, I have known for a long time that I struggle to say no to people. What’s more is that I have watched others protect their needs effectively (at times with resentment and at times feeling inspired). I know it can be done and has been done, and better yet, I know where I want to be along this continuum of needs and I have set my sails in that direction.

In the practice of mindfulness, this is intention setting. An intention is like a compass. It helps to steer our course of action. We might not always arrive but at least we are moving in the right direction. As I write this, I am happy to report that I seem to have found my groove and balance in taking care of my needs before offering myself out. Perhaps this is a moment of self-care that is longer than a whisper. It feels good. It feels like a new way of being in the world is slowly forming for me. One that might be strong enough to withstand the next challenging moment of social pulls. 😉

So, my question to you is: have there been any changes that you wish you could make? Are there any habitual patterns that have stopped serving you? Do you wish to start setting a new course of direction? If so, this is an invitation join me at the Sanctuary’s online community meditation on Tuesday morning at 10am Irish time. I am going to lead a mindful reflection around intention setting and first steps. Together, we can start to turn the ship.

-Jane

Click here to join me at the Sanctuary’s online meditation session on Tuesday

To listen to and download the meditation and reflection, click below: